Before My Eyes

Brian has turned many corners recently right before my eyes. It's especially nice when someone who doesn't see him often makes a comment about his speech or his behavior - and how much both have improved. It gives me perspective and helps me to see how far he's come.

His speech therapist, Kathy, couldn't more thrilled with the progress he's making. She says she doesn't even want to comment on the things he's not picked up on yet, since she knows where he has been. It occurred to me the other day that she didn't even know what Brian's "monkey speak" was since it's been so long since he's done that. You know, when he used to pretend he was Curious George and used "oo-oo, ah-ah" for every word? Kathy has only been his therapist since December, so she never heard it!

I remember thinking last December that all I really wanted was to have a conversation with Brian. I was just desperate to really be able to talk him. I can do that now. They aren't always the most enlightening or lengthy chats, but they are in fact, conversations. It's so exciting to hear him shout from the back seat of the car, "Mama! Look, it's a tractor!" He is noticing so much more about his world than he used to. Or at least now he has the communication skills to tell me all about what he's noticing.

Brian even got into trouble last week at school for talking! Something we never thought would happen. His teacher said she was shocked when she realized it was Brian making all that chatter.

One thing that his speech therapy has certainly improved is his arguing skills. If I say, "Brian, we're going to the doctor today." He'll reply with something like, "No go to the doctor. The doctor is closed!" I'll say back, "No bud, I am pretty sure they are open." And he'll say, "No, not open, doctor is closed. Let's go to the animal zoo." Most days this is hilarious. Most days.

OT has been a tremendous help to Brian as well. He ate a HOTDOG at OT last week. It was the most meat he had ever eaten IN HIS LIFE. He continued the trend by sampling a burger and some chicken that night and has eaten a hotdog almost everyday since. He is also eating small bites of apples now. Emily, the OT even got him to pedal his bike last week. He was so proud!

Potty training (knock on wood) seems to be a success for the most part, finally. Even #2, which is so nice!! I was getting really tired of cleaning up that mess. He is very proud of this accomplishment as well.

It's just nice to see him taking pride in himself.

I started using a picture chart like Brian uses at speech therapy and at school. It's just a bunch of picture cards with velcro on them that we attach to a line of velcro so he knows the schedule for the day. When we finish a task, he moves it to another strip of velcro which represents "all done." I started using it over spring break just to see how he would react to it. My plan was to try it for a week and bring it back for summer. I didn't count on him absolutely loving it! I've had to add a few pictures to accommodate our current schedule-school, swimming, soccer- because Brian requires me to fill the picture chart every single day. Like I said he loves it and I think it's because it helps him prepare for the next thing. We usually have big melt downs with every transition, and not so much with the schedule. He loves getting to move each piece to "all done" and thus, he's ready to move on when I say it's time. It's been wonderful!

As mentioned above, we started soccer and swim lessons last week too. Soccer was not the best, but it could have been (and 6 months ago would have been) much worse. He's definitely the kid who is distracted by all the grass and dirt. He doesn't follow all directions given by the coach. BUT he stayed on his field (there were 4 others he could have run to, not to mention a playground). He kicked the ball some. He ran with the other kids mostly. He had fun. And thankfully, his coach is one of our best friend's brothers. And he is an incredibly patient man. Thank God.

Swim lessons were a success! Brian impressed the instructor and me with his skills and attention to detail. I was so happy to see him shine!

Brian can be a lot to handle some days. Other days, he's just like any other 3 (almost 4) year old. I have learned a great deal of patience from being his mom. I have learned to take pride in little victories and to celebrate small successes. But when I look back over the course of 6 months, it becomes evident that he has made large strides and huge progress.

Love that boy.

Real

The past few months have been so busy and I have been posting a lot of fluff on the blog. All important stuff-pictures of the kids, Lilah's stats, things about the new house...but I haven't posted a ton of "real" information.

This is mostly because I haven't had time, and partially because I have struggled with whether or not I want to post it at all because some of it has been pretty upsetting to me. Also because even though some of the things that have been going are really upsetting to me, they are nothing compared to what other people...people I know...have been going through, so really, who am I to whine?

But here goes nothing, I'm just gonna unload it and you can do what you want with it. So here's what's real. Or at least some of it.

Ruben doesn't live here anymore. I have cried more tears than I can count about this and I am still not okay. I don't know when it won't hurt any longer, but it still does and it's been, well, awhile.
Thankfully my parents have taken him in. I know he will be fine there. But I miss him.

Basically, he did this...

and he had to go.

I was afraid to post this because I don't want Brian to read this years later and think it's his fault. So, future Brian, if you're reading this Mommy doesn't blame you. It is my job to protect you and this was something we had to do to make sure you were safe.

BUT Brian also has to know that I am human. And I feel things like sadness. Ruben was my first child. I raised him like he was my child. And therein lies the problem. I will never make that mistake again. When we get a new dog...and we will someday, it will be just that. A dog. Not a member of the family. I can't trust myself to go there ever again.

Maybe having to remove a beloved family pet from the home seems silly to some, but it has been hard for me. Remember that I am still only 3 months postpartum, so it's been ridiculously hard truth be told.

And then there's the business of what's been going on with Brian medically recently. It all started when we saw Dr. Wiley, the Developmental Pediatrician about Brian a month ago. Again, I have struggled with putting this information out there too because of future Brian. But it's what's going on, it's real.

It's been a painful road that I won't go into, but I think we are heading toward an SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) diagnosis. Or maybe the diagnosis has already been made. This is unclear to me...can OTs diagnose? Because of these issues we have started OT (Occupational Therapy) once a week in addition to Speech Therapy weekly.

Of course I have tapped into many resource with regards to this...books, google and my aunt who has two boys with the same diagnosis. Brian falls under the category of Sensory Seeker, rather than Avoider, which is what most people think of. Avoiders are the people who can't touch certain things, can't be around certain smells, etc. Seekers want stimuli. Constantly. This list really sealed the deal for me.

Here are some things that you might see a sensory seeker doing:

• Spinning
• Climbing too high
• Climbing everything
• Crashing into things (people, furniture, walls)
• Mouthing/licking inedible things (furniture, toys, body)
• Chewing inedible things (clothing)
• Eating excessively
• Constantly wrestling (with siblings)
• Touching everything
• Playing with food
• Messy eater
• Overstuffing their mouth
• Eating spicy/hot foods
• Under-responsive to pain (‘shakes it off’ quickly)
• Dumping out toy bins just to look at everything
• Excessive sensory play (mud, water, soap, etc.)
• Jumping
• Pushing
• Loves running barefoot
• Chewing on their toothbrush
• Can’t sit still in their desk
• Falls out of their chair for no apparent reason
• Loves loud noises (turns up TV, battery toys against ears, vacuum.)
• Can’t monitor their own volume (you constantly say, “Stop yelling!”)
• Smells everything, even bad smells

This is not an exhaustive list, but it gives you a starting point.

The items in bold are the ones that apply to Brian at least in some form. I found this list here, a site by a mom with similar issues. She has actually published books on the topic.

Once I read this list I was really excited. I was like, this is it, this is what it is! And OT can help fix it! My cousin Chris said it best. He asked my aunt if something was wrong with Brian, because he had overhead us talking. She told him not really, but that he has some of the same sensory issues Chris had. Chris said, "Good, then he'll be okay, 'cause I'm okay." How is that children have faith when we don't? Love that kid!

So we've just begun OT. We'll see if it helps. I really, really hope it does.

And the final thing that's been bringing me down is that Brian is being evaluated by the county tomorrow to see if he qualifies for free public preschool. This should not be a bad thing. He will receive more speech and possibly more OT each week if he qualifies. This should be a really good thing. But I always envisioned my kids in Catholic schools. I went to Catholic schools. I have built my career around Catholic education. This is not to say that public schools don't produce great people. My parents went to public school. Several of my best friends are products of public schools. But, it's just not what I pictured for my kids. And that is hard for me. I don't do well when I don't get what I want.

I am the person who will always say, "what's best for one child, isn't what's best for all." I know that. I preach it. I know Brian would likely benefit from the help he would receive in the county schools. And I know it's freaking 3 year old preschool for goodness sakes. It doesn't have to be forever. My head knows all of this. Could someone please tell my heart?

Okay, I'm done now. For those of you who made it this far, thank you for reading this very, very long rant. I will go back to posted happy posts with pictures and fluff now. I promise. Except there may be a post very soon about red hair. I am getting to my breaking point on people's reactions to that as well, I'm not gonna lie. But other than that it will be fluff. Swear.