This is mostly because I haven't had time, and partially because I have struggled with whether or not I want to post it at all because some of it has been pretty upsetting to me. Also because even though some of the things that have been going are really upsetting to me, they are nothing compared to what other people...people I know...have been going through, so really, who am I to whine?
But here goes nothing, I'm just gonna unload it and you can do what you want with it. So here's what's real. Or at least some of it.
Ruben doesn't live here anymore. I have cried more tears than I can count about this and I am still not okay. I don't know when it won't hurt any longer, but it still does and it's been, well, awhile.
Thankfully my parents have taken him in. I know he will be fine there. But I miss him.
Basically, he did this...
and he had to go.
I was afraid to post this because I don't want Brian to read this years later and think it's his fault. So, future Brian, if you're reading this Mommy doesn't blame you. It is my job to protect you and this was something we had to do to make sure you were safe.
BUT Brian also has to know that I am human. And I feel things like sadness. Ruben was my first child. I raised him like he was my child. And therein lies the problem. I will never make that mistake again. When we get a new dog...and we will someday, it will be just that. A dog. Not a member of the family. I can't trust myself to go there ever again.
Maybe having to remove a beloved family pet from the home seems silly to some, but it has been hard for me. Remember that I am still only 3 months postpartum, so it's been ridiculously hard truth be told.
And then there's the business of what's been going on with Brian medically recently. It all started when we saw Dr. Wiley, the Developmental Pediatrician about Brian a month ago. Again, I have struggled with putting this information out there too because of future Brian. But it's what's going on, it's real.
It's been a painful road that I won't go into, but I think we are heading toward an SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) diagnosis. Or maybe the diagnosis has already been made. This is unclear to me...can OTs diagnose? Because of these issues we have started OT (Occupational Therapy) once a week in addition to Speech Therapy weekly.
Of course I have tapped into many resource with regards to this...books, google and my aunt who has two boys with the same diagnosis. Brian falls under the category of Sensory Seeker, rather than Avoider, which is what most people think of. Avoiders are the people who can't touch certain things, can't be around certain smells, etc. Seekers want stimuli. Constantly. This list really sealed the deal for me.
Here are some things that you might see a sensory seeker doing:
- Spinning
- Climbing too high
- Climbing everything
- Crashing into things (people, furniture, walls)
- Mouthing/licking inedible things (furniture, toys, body)
- Chewing inedible things (clothing)
- Eating excessively
- Constantly wrestling (with siblings)
- Touching everything
- Playing with food
- Messy eater
- Overstuffing their mouth
- Eating spicy/hot foods
- Under-responsive to pain (‘shakes it off’ quickly)
- Dumping out toy bins just to look at everything
- Excessive sensory play (mud, water, soap, etc.)
- Jumping
- Pushing
- Loves running barefoot
- Chewing on their toothbrush
- Can’t sit still in their desk
- Falls out of their chair for no apparent reason
- Loves loud noises (turns up TV, battery toys against ears, vacuum.)
- Can’t monitor their own volume (you constantly say, “Stop yelling!”)
- Smells everything, even bad smells
This is not an exhaustive list, but it gives you a starting point.
The items in bold are the ones that apply to Brian at least in some form. I found this list here, a site by a mom with similar issues. She has actually published books on the topic.
Once I read this list I was really excited. I was like, this is it, this is what it is! And OT can help fix it! My cousin Chris said it best. He asked my aunt if something was wrong with Brian, because he had overhead us talking. She told him not really, but that he has some of the same sensory issues Chris had. Chris said, "Good, then he'll be okay, 'cause I'm okay." How is that children have faith when we don't? Love that kid!
So we've just begun OT. We'll see if it helps. I really, really hope it does.
And the final thing that's been bringing me down is that Brian is being evaluated by the county tomorrow to see if he qualifies for free public preschool. This should not be a bad thing. He will receive more speech and possibly more OT each week if he qualifies. This should be a really good thing. But I always envisioned my kids in Catholic schools. I went to Catholic schools. I have built my career around Catholic education. This is not to say that public schools don't produce great people. My parents went to public school. Several of my best friends are products of public schools. But, it's just not what I pictured for my kids. And that is hard for me. I don't do well when I don't get what I want.
I am the person who will always say, "what's best for one child, isn't what's best for all." I know that. I preach it. I know Brian would likely benefit from the help he would receive in the county schools. And I know it's freaking 3 year old preschool for goodness sakes. It doesn't have to be forever. My head knows all of this. Could someone please tell my heart?
Okay, I'm done now. For those of you who made it this far, thank you for reading this very, very long rant. I will go back to posted happy posts with pictures and fluff now. I promise. Except there may be a post very soon about red hair. I am getting to my breaking point on people's reactions to that as well, I'm not gonna lie. But other than that it will be fluff. Swear.
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