Dear Blog, I've Missed You

Dear Blog,

I've missed you.  Things got a little crazy right before Thanksgiving and I've been working on finding a new normal.  A new normal where my best friend's mom resides in heaven instead of in a nursing home bed.  A new normal where cancer is a chronic disease.  And where I am at peace with all of it.

Am I?  Not really.  It's not fair.  None of it is.  Shawn says I have a skewed version of fair because I have been lucky in life.  He's right.  But it's still not fair.

But I am choosing to be okay with it.  What else is there to do?

Donna is in a better place.  I can't even imagine to go from what she had become to a place where all is healed and she is free of all of her earthly torment.

Mom is here with us.  Sick, but still here.  She starts treatment today.  And just like I've been saying, it's like the bad news gets chipped away little by little.  It's still bad.   But it's liveable.  And LIFE is what it's all about.

We thought Lilah broke her nose.  She didn't, but it looked like this is still quite noticeably bruised.

It snowed a lot.  The kids had a ball in it.

Thanksgiving and my birthday came and went and now we have five days until Christmas.

And I feel so blessed.

So blessed to have known Donna and basked in the light she gave off when she was well.

So blessed to have my Mom and medical science keeping her here with us.

So blessed to have my babies healthy and so very excited for Christmas.

So blessed to have married my high school sweetheart and to have my best friend also be my first and only love. 

So very blessed to have amazing friends and a wonderfully supportive family.

We took a Christmas tree and some baking items to a family from church.  That's what they wanted for Christmas.   It was almost too much for me to handle.  Their house was very bare.  Both the mother and one of the children underwent major surgery this past year.  They have had it really rough.  We were able to go back and take gifts as well.  They didn't ask for the gifts, but they needed them.

It can always be worse.  Choosing to be positive once I have grieved is a wonderful trait my mother passed down to me.  I hope to pass it on to my own babies.

I promise to check in more.  I didn't know how to write all of this down.  Now that I have, I can move forward and post the pictures of my beautiful children that our wonderful photographer captured.  And snow pictures, Santa pictures and the Christmas pictures that I will have soon.  I cannot wait to see their faces on Christmas.  They are so genuinely excited and they so innocently believe.

The Christmas Eve skit is going to be out. of. this. world.  The kids are going to be mice with two of their cousins.  Shawn's Aunt has dubbed them "the rat pack."  There will be a real baby Jesus!  And Shawn's Uncle will make an appearance as Santa Claus.  He will bless the baby Jesus in silence.  The kids in that church are going to LOOSE THEIR MINDS.

Thanks for giving me a place to share.

Love,
Maria

Kindergarten Here We Come

Brian's final preschool promotion ceremony was last Monday night.  He was soooooo excited!  What a difference a year makes.  He proudly marched out with his classmates and sang and danced to every single song.  When it started, it was obvious that he was nervously trying to figure out where we were in the crowd.  When he finally figured out where we all were, he really turned on the charm!  He was somewhat frustrated that the little guy next to him wasn't getting into the songs at all.  It was really cute.

The best song was "Tooty Ta" which is a song we have done with the preschoolers at St. Pats before.  Basically it's a following directions song that gets the kids to hold funny body positions and dance around.  Brian was a pro and worked really hard to get the directions exactly right, which was hysterical!

At the end, he excitedly accepted gifts and posed for pictures.  It was so awesome to celebrate all that he has accomplished the past two years with so many of our loved ones.  Thanks to all who attended!  And thanks to JACK for sending a sweet card.  That may have been Brian's favorite gift of all!

The Chicken Dance

Thumbs up.  Knees together.  Arms in.  A Tooty ta, a tooty, a tooty ta, ta ta!

"Mom, I swear if you don't stop taking pictures and let me eat this dang cookie..."

Preschool Pet Show: Introducing Kevin

We were excited when the invitation for the preschool pet show came home this year because last year it was such a success for Brian.  He decided to leave Baby Kangaroo behind and take his new friend, Kevin the Lion this go around.  Kevin was a Valentine's Day gift from Jon and Teri, which is why he is the best-according to Brian!

Brian had several fans attend the show-Nana, Pappy, Teri, Jon, Lilah, Daddy, Mommy and even Kristal!  Lilah got to bring a friend along too...and walk in the pet parade!  She chose Minnie Mouse. At first she was not having the parade...er Brian dragging her around the cafeteria, but luckily Brian's fabulous teacher Ms. Anita stepped in and guided her the rest of the way which made her much happier.

Brian and Kevin

Hard to catch a picture of this little diva!

Kevin won the award for loudest ROAR!

So exciting to see all the other friends on stage!

Completing the activities with Aunt Teri!

Posing with Pappy!

November

Thought I should post a few random November pictures before the holiday posts begin!  We were lucky to have a pre-Thanksgiving meal at Shawn's aunt Bibber's house early in the month.  Lilah and Gavin and too cute together!

I tried three different times to get a fall picture of the kids by our big tree out back.  It's much harder now that Lilah is so active.  These are a few of the good ones.

 And just some random fall pictures...

We also celebrated my birthday with a national holiday.  Yep, my birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year!  Good food, good friends and good family = great birthday and holiday!

Incredible

This week has been incredible. That's the only word I have to describe it. Lilah's birth was surreal. We were bumped back by many, many, many emergency situations. We waited forever to finally go into the OR. We were even wheeled into the hallway at one point only to be sent back because of another emergency! A procedure that was supposed to happen at 3:30p.m. didn't begin until around 7:30p.m. It was beyond frustrating. We tried really hard to keep it in perspective. Bad things were happening to the other families. The worst thing that was happening to us was that I had not eaten since 6:30a.m. Not the end of the world!

By the time I was finally in the OR getting my spinal/epidural mix I couldn't even believe it was finally happening. Everything went very fast. I remember feeling very nauseous several times during the surgery, but otherwise it wasn't bad. The anesthesiologist was amazing! He kept me very comfortable and even took pictures of Lilah as she emerged from my belly. The doc was hilarious! He even made sure to tell us he had his text book ready before he started cutting. Great!!

I remember the OR was very bright and almost seemed futuristic. Shawn was too funny in his scrubs! The nurse made sure to tell him to leave his clothing on, as many Dad's strip down completely and put on the paper scrubs. Not pretty! He and I both thought this was hi-lar-ious! Could have been all the waiting...

The surgery was quick and painless and it was just amazing to see her for the first time. I was panicking because she didn't cry right away, but Shawn said, "hold on they are just suctioning her," and before I knew it there was her holler!!


They took Lilah to my left to weigh her and get her cleaned up. Shawn went with her at my insistence and kept me posted while taking pictures. I was crying and asking all kinds of worrisome questions...how many toes, how many fingers, etc. It didn't hit me until she was born how terrified I had been that something would be wrong. It is amazing to have gone through all that we went through with Brian and then to follow it with a perfect birth this time around. What a relief.

Our second huge relief came the next afternoon. Father Jeff had come by right after we arrived in post-op the night before to bless Lilah's ears in preparation for her hearing screening. He was quite proud of himself actually because he got to hold Miss Lilah before anyone-even my mom! He won't let her forget that, I'm sure! We were very grateful to have him with her in her first hour of life. Not many healthy babies get that kind of opportunity.



I had told the night nurse that if there was any possible way to go ahead and screen her hearing without me knowing, that would be their best best in keeping me calm. She said the would probably wait until Thursday morning because they like to wait 24 hours, so I just assumed that would be the case. I intentionally did not turn in the paperwork for the screener because as much as I wanted it over with, I wanted to make sure she was fluid free to avoid a false positive.

Mid afternoon on Wednesday, and audiologist from Children's came in the room and very nonchalantly informed me that the screening had already been completed and Lilah had passed. I burst into tears. I'm not sure she was expecting my reaction, and I'm not sure anyone in the room was either. All I can say is that I experienced a tremendous relief that Lilah's hearing is okay and a huge amount of grief that Brian's truly could have been prevented (and is almost certainly not genetic) all in one breath. It was a lot to take in. It still is. Shawn was not there, so I had to tell him later over the phone. He was also very emotional. It's very hard to explain all that we have been through with Brian. I think that those who were with me when the news was delivered were offered a glimpse of that and I am grateful to them for having been there with me and for meThe emotions continued as the week progressed. Thursday was the icing on the cake. As Whitney already described in her previous post, Brian's love for Lilah has been so evident and so overwhelming this week that is has just been breath taking. No one could have prepared me for how wonderful he has been. He is truly the best big brother I could have hoped for and Lilah is very lucky to have him.

Every nano second that I spent worrying about him and how he would take all of this was for naught. I should have trusted in my child rather than the unkind words of strangers and well-intentioned, but sometimes upsetting words of friends and family. I should have heard the reassuring words instead. Lesson learned. One strangers words stick out to me. "I love my children and they love me, so they love each other. That's just the way it is." Yep, that's just way it is. And I couldn't be more proud.

My recovery has not been easy, but it has been much easier than my recovery with Brian. I feel really great. I am still generally "out of it" a lot of the time as I am continuing to take pain meds to keep feeling great. I have begun to stretch out the times between doses though, and I have been still feeling really great. Sleep is still a major issue, but I can live it that if it's the worst thing I have to deal with.

As always the support of our family and friends has been overwhelming and very much appreciated.

We will never be able to appropriately thank our sister in law for her around the clock care of Brian this past week. Teri, we are forever in your debt and we love you. Your care of our little man was the most precious gift you could have given us last week. You will be, and already are a wonderful godmother to Lilah. Both of our children are very lucky to have you in their lives. We all are.

My mother gave up most of her sleep last week so that Shawn could stay at home and get some and so that I could actually sleep at the hospital. (Shawn's snoring had me up most of the first night.) She was happy to do it-and to get the bonding time with Miss Lilah-but it was still a major amount of sleep lost that can never be regained.

Our friends and family have visited, called, sent text messages and emailed-always checking in to see what we needed and that we were okay. Thank you!

It's hard to believe that Lilah will be a week old tomorrow. Brian has continued his mature and appropriate behavior in each and every interaction he has had with her thus far. I know it won't always be perfect, but for now it is, and I'm enjoying it.

This Week in Brian's Words

This past week we...

Played on the "beach" in the "sand."

Brian especially liked his "truck" and catching "bish." Still no "f" on that, but we're working on it. At least there's a substitute instead of an omission! We also caught some clams and watched them re-bury themselves!

We went "swimming" in the "ocean." Brian apparently likes the taste of salt water as much as chlorinated water. Gross!

We hunted for "alligators." Really! There were real alligators near our beach. Shawn and I were slightly afraid. Shawn was actually really afraid. A nice local assured us we had nothing to worry about. We still chose to walk back on the salt water side of the bridge and look for crabs instead. Brian was entertained by the alligators, not so much by the crabs. In fact, he decided he was "all done" and we headed back to the car.

We followed "Thomas' tracks" on the "beach." No pictures of this, but Brian found some ATV tracks in the sand and insisted they were "Thomas tracks." We walked for a really long time. The tracks ended in the ocean where there happened to be a little boy with Thomas trunks on. B was sooooo excited!

We searched for "dino tracks" and found "dino eggs." (AKA golf balls!) Ever heard of "Dino Dan"? Me neither. Apparently it's a great show on Nick Junior. At least Brian thinks so. Thus the sudden demands to hunt for dinosaur tracks. We do not have cable, but Nana has already DVR'd several for Brian's viewing pleasure.

We "nap"ped a lot.

We shopped at the Piggly Wiggly!

We ran the Marsh Walk. Shawn also found a cool sign on the Marsh Walk!
We "golfed". Both on the course and at the beach. Well kind of. With a rake.

We made new friends. A little guy 2 weeks older than B convinced Brian to finally go in the water on Tuesday. Awesome! Then Friday, a little girl about 2 weeks older also was having fits about the water. Brian was very concerned for her and took her a "shovel" to try to get her to play with him in the sand. Eventually she did. So sweet!

We ended our love affair with the Blue Crab, but found lots of other great places to eat. Landolfis-yummy pizza, sandwiches and pastries. Brian even ate the "pizza"! Russels-"the best fish ever" according to Shawn and some pretty yummy crab and Parmesan dip too! La Playa (The Beach)-yummy Mexican and food from other Spanish speaking countries. We had empanas and Shawn said the salsa was really spicy. I could smell the spice!

We cooked and ate in some and did lots of walking around the plantation.

The weather was great and we didn't want to leave! At least the weather is supposed to be nice at home this coming week!

On the way home, Brian was pretty much done. He did pretty well yesterday, although we did have a hilarious "poop" incident involving Brian waddling into a gas station with a very full diaper (much to the amusement of the many, many locals standing around outside). Today was a tough ride, but we made it. Brian was thrilled to be home with his toys. He enjoyed the beach, but I think a week was enough for him.

Tomorrow I will be 35 weeks pregnant. Today marks 1 month until my c-section! We will be holding "baby Lilah" by this time ONE MONTH from today!!! I see the OB tomorrow and will post my 34.5 week belly shot after, along with an update from the doc.