The post that follows is more raw than any I have posted before. I apologize in advance for the honesty. I absolutely have to tap this out tonight. Please feel free to skip it entirely. It's not a happy post.
Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I was talking to God as I often do. I guess it's my way of praying. I have kind of a one sided conversation in my head with God. Our conversation was mostly about Brian, as it often is, and specifically about his hearing loss.
I worry about his hearing loss constantly. I know it's not healthy. I try to forget. To push the worry aside. But I can't. I am constantly doubting whether or not we have made the right decision not to aide him. Every time he speaks, or jabbers, I wonder if he's on track with other children his age. I worry about his next hearing test. And the one after that. And so on. I wonder if his loss will get worse.
The worry isn't always in the forefront of my mind. There are many minutes and hours that I don't think about it at all. There are instances where I don't even realize I am worrying, and suddenly it hits me. And then there are times when I feel like the worry is constricting every muscle in my body and has taken over every cell. That all consuming worry is the worst. It's the kind that keeps me up at night. The kind that makes me wish I wasn't the type of person who worries!
In my conversation with God last night, I realized that I have actually accepted Brian's hearing loss. For the first time, I realized, I wasn't asking God for a miracle. I know now that Brian will always have a hearing loss. Instead I have moved on to asking God to just keep his hearing where it is. And to help guide us in the decisions we are making for him. And to help me stop worrying. I really do want to stop worrying.
Then I started to think about how incredibly angry I am about Brian's hearing loss. It's so unfair that this could have been prevented. That every issue he has faced could have been prevented. It's so unfair that the doctor who could have prevented all of this is still practicing, and will continue to practice. Shawn says I have to get over my view of what is fair and unfair. I know it's not right to dwell on it. But it's hard to do. Especially when it could have been prevented. And especially because just when I think I'm over the guilt of feeling like I should have known to demand a c-section...the guilt of feeling like I could have prevented it...the tears start to flow again and the guilt overcomes me.
Sometimes I just wish I could push fast forward and see Brian's language develop so I could know whether or not we have made a good decision. I want him to stay a baby as long as possible, but a part of me wants to know what the future holds for him. Will he speak and understand normally? Will he do well in school? Will he struggle in loud situations? Will he persevere and push to beat this horrible thing that has happened to him?
A family member somewhat-recently accused me to worrying too much about Brian's disability and not just "dealing with it." This family member has a perfectly normal child, and could not possibly understand what our lives have been like the past 17 months. However, this statement has been weighing heavily on me. Oh how I wish I could just stop worrying. I wish I could have one day where I didn't think about his hearing, or his language development. But so far, no luck.
I know that in the grand scheme of things hearing loss is not the end of the world. We have friends who have children with much more severe disabilities than hearing loss. We are blessed to have a happy, generally healthy, intelligent child. My head knows all of this. Could someone please make my heart understand?
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1 comment:
Maria - have been thinking about you guys lately and am sending hugs your way.
Doesn't it feel good to use writing as an outlet? :)
I know neither of our roads are easy, nor are they what we expected them to be when we had dreams of becoming a mother, but with the help of friends and family, we will make it through.
And I hate to break it to ya, but no, you won't ever stop worrying. Beyond the medical issues that we know our kids will face every day of their lives, motherhood really is one big worry-fest from the minute that we become pregnant until, well, for the rest of our lives! I know that you know that.
Add on top of the normal everyday stuff that mom's worry about, the hearing issues for Brian only make it a more difficult journey for you as a parent. It's perfectly natural to worry about Brian's future - as I do all the time with Aiden - but just keep your chin up and you will see that Brian will prove you wrong in so many ways. You will end up looking back on some of your fears and realize that although so very valid at the time, you wish you hadn't worried so much about them because it all turned out well.
You are so strong Maria. You have a great support network of friends and family. You are strong in your faith. You are a great mom and Brian is so very lucky to have you.
As always, I'm here to talk whenever you need to. And I expect you to hear me blabber on about my worries with Aiden and remind me of this very response when I need it! :)
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